historiblogography

and here we go

2009-04-16T13:04:00.001-07:00

First post at the poorly titled "State of Violence," a new blog from the Historiblography team.

moving sale

2009-03-26T10:55:00.000-07:00

Historiblography started as a group blog, but quickly became a Chris Bray blog, then quickly became a site for unfocused ranting and funny pictures of my daughter. I think the world desperately needs to hear my unfocused ranting, of course, but the world seems to be doing fine without it. So I'm going to put this blog out of its misery.

My next step, however, will be to start a new one, probably sometime in April. My plan is to focus more narrowly on state formation and the boundaries between state and nonstate institutions, so you can already see how millions of readers will be flocking to the new site. There will be a mix of history and current affairs.

And maybe the occasional baby picture.

sure looks like a death spiral to me

2009-02-27T09:13:00.000-08:00

My god.

america's most important journalist

2009-02-19T23:24:00.000-08:00

Borrowing a headline, I'll borrow the sentiment: You have to read this.

a year and a day

2009-02-19T15:54:00.001-08:00

Take one of these:

Add one of these:

Soon after...

And then this:

It is our belief that some may have ended up in the belly.

donkeys

2009-02-18T10:31:00.000-08:00

When Chulalongkorn came on Siam thrown, he make a lot of burrocracies.

things i learned while grading history exams, part 6,345

2009-02-16T13:28:00.001-08:00

"Ho Chi Minh was very inspired by Woodrow Wilson's fourteen points, especially Leninism."

cart, meet horse

2009-02-16T09:32:00.000-08:00

Recognizing the apparently overblown nature of the the recent stories about Generals Petraeus and Odierno meetin' Obama in the street with their shootin' irons, I still keep seeing stories that make me wonder if we all remember how this show is supposed to be scripted. Here's the beginning of a new story from Politico:

President Barack Obama is refusing to be rushed into his first decision to send troops into combat, an early sign he may be more independent-minded than U.S. military leaders expected.

The new president's methodical decision-making offers an early insight into how the new commander in chief will approach the war in Afghanistan and has surprised some Pentagon officials, who had predicted repeatedly in the past two weeks that Obama would decide within days on additional forces, only to find the White House taking more time.

Rather than sign off quickly on all or part of a long-standing Pentagon request for three Army combat brigades and Marine units, totaling over 10,000 troops, Obama and his aides are questioning the timetable, the mission and even the composition of the new forces, officials familiar with the deliberations said.

The president of the United States is independent-minded because he's not instantly giving military leaders the things they tell him they want. Why, I tell ya, Clevis, it's almost like that dang-fool president thinks he's the boss o' them military folks!

The timetable and the mission are political decisions, and don't belong in the hands of generals. (The composition of forces, yeah.) This is ordinary behavior in a functioning government, and it's being greeted with man-bites-dog stories about how the president is "questioning the mission." We can argue over the scope and dimensions of the insanity, but it seems clear enough that we've wandered off into crazyland.

but the last one was a winner

2009-02-14T13:42:00.001-08:00

New book review.

what in the fucking goddamn fuck

2009-02-13T10:53:00.000-08:00

In the February 8 edition of the Washington Post, Thomas Ricks wrote openly -- and approvingly -- about the wonderful spectacle of gross military insubordination. General Ray Odierno, Ricks enthuses, "launched a guerrilla campaign for a change in direction in Iraq, conducting his own strategic review and bypassing his superiors to talk through Keane to White House staff members and key figures in the military." Ricks pronounces this an "audacious" move, and writes that it led to the implementation of "a strategy rejected by the full chain of command above him."

But it gets better: On Meet the Press that same day, Ricks said that he thinks "we may see a confrontation between Obama and the generals by the end of this year." Why? Take a moment and stare at this quote:

No, they feel they have made huge sacrifices, that they have had friends die and sons bleed, and that they don't want to throw that all away on the--you know, because some guy said on the campaign trail, "We're going to get all these guys out."

"Some guy on the campaign trail." The president of the United States. The military doesn't feel like listening to him, so they're going to have a confrontation over it.

And it took me a week to notice, because all of these claims were not discussed for most of the week on most of the blogs and news sites that I read.

ADDED LATER:

New blog.

because she's just like her dad, is why

2009-02-12T20:29:00.000-08:00

Child sees self in mirror, blows fart noises at own mirror image:

Good times!

someone is confused

2009-02-10T08:55:00.000-08:00

Duncan Black, February 4:

I know I should never stop being surprised at how stupid Republicans want our political debate to be, but I just can't.

There better and worse ways to spend money, both in terms of how sensible projects are and how much of a stimulative effect those expenditures will have, but all spending is stimulus.

Paying people to dig holes and then fill them up again would be stupid spending, but it would still be very effective stimulus.

Duncan Black, February 10:

Aside from the fact that it's all about bailing out Tim's friends, it's pretty clear that they still have no idea what they're doing. It's just throwing good money after bad.

coup d’état

2009-02-02T11:54:00.000-08:00

Someone please tell me that this story doesn't say what I think it says:

Obama's decision to override Petraeus's recommendation has not ended the conflict between the president and senior military officers over troop withdrawal, however. There are indications that Petraeus and his allies in the military and the Pentagon, including Gen. Ray Odierno, now the top commander in Iraq, have already begun to try to pressure Obama to change his withdrawal policy.

A network of senior military officers is also reported to be preparing to support Petraeus and Odierno by mobilising public opinion against Obama's decision.

Petraeus was visibly unhappy when he left the Oval Office, according to one of the sources.

Now, maybe this is bullshit. But if it's true? Fire. Them. Now.

but a lot of people painted rocks!

2009-02-01T15:19:00.001-08:00

Specious counterarguments to specious arguments, and here we go:

Responding to a column from Amity Shlaes arguing that the New Deal prolonged the Great Depression, Dean Baker writes that, nuh-uh, the New Deal made there be jobs, so there:

...the discussion is contradicted by the known facts of the era. Roosevelt's New Deal Agenda lowered the unemployment rate from 25 percent in 1933 to 10 percent in 1937. None of us would be happy with 10 percent unemployment, but it is difficult to complain about policies that reduced the unemployment rate by an average of almost 4 percentage points a year. The annual growth rate over these four years averaged 13.0 percent.

This is called "changing the subject," and it is, again, exactly what dead-ender Bushies did with the Holy Mythical Surge. The notional point of government intervention in the economy is the restoration of markets. Government gives away massive assloads of cash, and commercial vitality switches back on. If government solves the problem of ten million unemployed by paying five million people to dig holes and five million people to fill in holes, then, yes, government created ten million new jobs. But do those jobs work as advertised? If the government gives away massive assloads of free cash, does GM unmake shitty cars and suddenly produce good ones? Does Circuit City somehow un-die?

I challenge any takers to read Baker's post and find the part where he breaks down how many jobs came from straight from the New Deal, and how many came from the stimulation of the private market by the New Deal. Because otherwise, we can have full employment right now, and no need for further discussion: Everyone should just work for the government, problem solved. ("President Chris Bray reduced unemployment by one hundred percent with America's glorious new make-believe government-run 'tractor factories'!!!!!")

The question is not, "can government spending create jobs and personal spending?" -- because duh, if you give people massive assloads of free cash to dig holes and fill them in, more jobs and spending will result. But is free government money a path to a real and sustainable private economy, or does it just create its own kind of bubble? And what happens if the nation's creditors say that, no thanks, we decline to help the United States take on a few trillion dollars of extra debt?

And, above all, can government really fix the collapse of a form of notional prosperity built on credit cards by pulling out the national credit card?

Lots of spending equals lots of spending, nothing more. Maybe it leads to strong commercial markets. But it's not a given, and not all jobs are jobs; work created for the sake of creating work is welfare, and leads only to more welfare. I'm not opposed to welfare spending, if we're headed into a depression. But if that's what it is, call it that. Let's not pretend that free cash creates real jobs.

hitler hitler hoover

2009-02-01T12:19:00.000-08:00

The gang of ignorant dumbfucks who gave us the morally deranged war in Iraq famously thought that every tinpot with a little gunboat navy was Adolf Hitler himself. Anyone who questioned the premise of the war in Iraq -- bomb the fuck out of the ragheads until they embrace secular democratic pluralism, go team! -- was Neville Chamberlain come back to haunt Team America's awesomeness with their whining and questioning. Don't sit around and fucking think about it -- take action! Intervene! Do something! The Podhoretzian chant of "Hitler Hitler Hitler" wasn't intended to be a contribution to a debate over the war; it was intended to prevent debate over the war.

Welcome back. Ladies and gentlemen, for this evening's performance, the role of Victor Davis Podhoretz Kagan will be played by an understudy, Mr. Frank Rich. And curtain:

Didi: Well, I don't know, it seems like we could create significant moral haz-

Gogo: HOOVER HOOVER HOOVER!!!!!!!

Didi: No, no, I just think we need to think this through. Banks made bad loans, then packaged them into bad bonds, then sold bad credit default swaps to cover the bad bonds that contained the bad loans, so government should give the banks money to cut them free from their losses? How does that restore commercial vitali-

Gogo: HOOVER HOOVER HOOVER OMFG YOU'RE LIKE HOOVER YOU WANT THERE TO BE A DEPRESSION AND STARVING BABIES!!!!!

Didi: I don't, I really don't. But can you explain where the money comes from for a bailout, and why tons more debt helps us to dig out of the collapse of a badly overleveraged econ-

Gogo: HOOVER HOOVER HOOVER, HOOVER HOOVER HOOVER, HOOVER HOOVER HOOVER.

Didi: (sighs heavily)

[exeunt]

This rhetorical path leads straight to failure.

metastasizing

2009-01-29T08:50:00.000-08:00

Throw a couple trillion more to the bank shareholders.

A trillion here, a trillion there -- pretty soon you're talking about unreal money.

we're calling it a miracle

2009-01-28T21:18:00.000-08:00

Shocking events in West Hollywood tonight, as an airplane took off at LaGuardia -- and was soon forced to crash land into the bathtub. The first rescue boat arrived less than four minutes later!

...followed shortly afterward by the first giant rescue duck!

And then they all, you know, floated over to the riverbank.

Observers scanned the sky nervously for more falling planes!!!

if we don't paint these rocks, a pony will die

2009-01-27T08:42:00.001-08:00

The neocon theory of war always had big doses of Magik Faerie Duste:

1.) Drop lots of bombs
2.) ???
3.) Democratic pluralism in the Middle East!!!

The argument is back, but the arena has shifted. Bailouts and stimulus packages will be Barack Obama's Iraq. And everyone else's, too -- congressional opponents will be as useless as Jane Harman et al were during the Bush years, and pundits will make the same quacking noises to the same absence of effect.

Witness Warren Buffett's astounding PBS interview, much discussed over the last few days, and try to read this without cringing:

SG: But there is debate about whether there should be fiscal stimulus, whether tax cuts work or not. There is all of this academic debate among economists. What do you think? Is that the right way to go with stimulus and tax cuts?

WB: The answer is nobody knows. The economists don’t know. All you know is you throw everything at it and whether it’s more effective if you’re fighting a fire to be concentrating the water flow on this part or that part. You’re going to use every weapon you have in fighting it. And people, they do not know exactly what the effects are. Economists like to talk about it, but in the end they’ve been very, very wrong and most of them in recent years on this. We don’t know the perfect answers on it. What we do know is to stand by and do nothing is a terrible mistake or to follow Hoover-like policies would be a mistake and we don’t know how effective in the short run we don’t know how effective this will be and how quickly things will right themselves. We do know over time the American machine works wonderfully and it will work wonderfully again.

We have no fucking clue what we're doing, so let's do a whole lot of it. Or, switching on the English-to-Magik Faerie Duste translatatory machine-gizmo device:

1.) Give away massive assloads of government cash
2.) ???
3.) Commercial vitality!!!

When you don't know how to get from Point A to Point B, stop running around in circles. Taking action because it would be a "terrible mistake" to take no action, but it beats the shit out of everybody what action to take, leads to -- well, to 130,000 troops still on the ground six years later. The impossible-to-defeat bias toward intervention leads downhill; we do something merely so we're not doing nothing, and we're as likely to make the crisis worse as we are to make it better.

During the Bush years, I constantly wished we had a smart and effective opposition party to Bush's left. Instead, we got, you know, those fucking assholes. During the Obama years, I'm pretty sure I'll constantly wish for a smart and effective opposition party to Obama's right, a feeling I began to get about three minutes into the High Imperial Inauguration Rally. Instead, we'll get...

(Sighs heavily.)

Meanwhile, the pro-intervention punditry makes Kristolian leaps to show that the pony is in heaven, waiting to be born. Paul Krugman couldn't be a smarter guy, but look WTF he's writing, these days. Yesterday:

First, there’s the bogus talking point that the Obama plan will cost $275,000 per job created...

The true cost per job of the Obama plan will probably be closer to $100,000 than $275,000 — and the net cost will be as little as $60,000 once you take into account the fact that a stronger economy means higher tax receipts.

A mere $100,000 per ten dollar an hour retail job -- cheap!

At the risk of repeating myself, condominium prices in my neighborhood quadrupled between 2000 and 2007. Condominium values most certainly did not quadruple during those years; the price differential was created in Enronland, where money is grown in our collective ass. Fake wealth has vanished; free government cash is not going to make it reappear. The pony is dead. The $150 billion stimulus didn't work, and the Fed's lower interest rates didn't work, so we got a $700 billion stimulus and $2 trillion in so-cheap-it-makes-your-teeth-hurt commercial loans that followed a little-discussed expansion of the Fed's role in the economy. And that hasn't worked, so we'll get an $850 billion stimulus package full of social programs that are somehow supposed to make Circuit City not be dead (or something). And when that doesn't work?

I make my usual bet of one shiny notional silver dollar: We'll see a "financial surge" in 2011. And Obama's argument for reelection will be that "the surge worked."

The surge, ladies and gentlemen, will not have worked.

insert own political joke here

2009-01-25T21:10:00.000-08:00

A sidewalk in Beverly Hills:

let's all swap spit with leviathan

2009-01-25T11:37:00.000-08:00

Government officials, lacking the gift divine perfection, make mistakes. They misidentify, misconstrue, and generally trip over the limits of their knowledge, as any of us would if we were in their positions. And so, for example, the German car salesman Khaled al-Masri was kidnapped by government agents and subjected to extraordinary rendition because his name sounded like the name of another person who was suspected of terrorist activity. Catherine Stevens, the wife of former U.S. Senator Ted Stevens, was repeatedly hassled at airports because her nickname was "Cat." And Daniel Brown, a uniformed U.S. Marine flying home on leave from Iraq, was held at an airport as a suspected terrorist after T.S.A. screeners found gunpowder residue on his, yes, combat boots.

When Janet Reno was the attorney general, conservatives understood that government could fuck up. People on the political right expressed deep and generally appropriate concern about the handling of the Ruby Ridge standoff, the storming of the Branch Davidian compound, and the armed and aggressive removal of Elian Gonzalez to Cuba.

With Janet Reno long gone, and Arabs and Muslims in the government's crosshairs, Sarah Palin spews bullshit about Barack Obama wanting to "read terrorists their rights." Gone is the idea that suspects are suspects; suddenly, the people who occupy the party and ideology of limited government -- notionally, people, notionally -- want the government to have unlimited power against anyone that government feels vaguely to be a little terroristy.

All of this is familiar to anyone who's been awake for the last eight years. But the poison remains in the body politic, and it contaminates us all. And so we get this stunningly dumb headline from some stupid fuck at the Associated Press:

"Issue of terrorists' rights to test Obama's pledge."

Amazing how much specious bullshit can be packed into eight short words.

We can dispense with due process altogether -- Gitmo residents, the AP finds you guilty as charged. Sentencing to be determined by the next dimwitted headline.

somehow, in eleven months....

2009-01-23T11:07:00.000-08:00

This person....

...became this person:

official admits that government -- uh....

2009-01-14T09:35:00.000-08:00

I believe it was Bill Boyarsky who, many years ago, wrote a column about his early days at the Los Angeles Times in which he discussed that paper's former ban of the highly impolite word "rape." The preferred euphemism? "Criminal assault." Boyarsky remembered writing a story that said a woman was (I'm approximating the quote) "thrown down the stairs, kicked in the face, beaten with a lead pipe, and slammed repeatedly into the pavement, but she was not criminally assaulted."

So I have to wonder how the AP will handle this story.

and starring the al-qassam brigades as lucy van pelt

2009-01-10T11:34:00.000-08:00

(Fist jabs Israeli boxer in the face, three quick taps.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Israeli Boxer: That son-of-a-bitch hit me! I'm gonna throw a MASSIVE ROUNDHOUSE so he can NEVER HIT ME AGAIN!!!

(Israeli boxer draws his fist waaaaay back, swings wildly. Opposing boxer slips out of the way, then slides in and delivers three quick jabs to the Israeli boxer's face.)

Person in Audience: Man, that Israeli boxer is tough as nails! The other guy in the ring would never dare to hit him again!

i'll have the milquetoast chickenshit on white bread

2009-01-10T02:28:00.000-08:00

The Associated Press dribbles out a weak stream of lukewarm urine:

WASHINGTON – As President-elect Barack Obama assures intelligence officials that his complaints are with the Bush administration, not them, there are growing hints from Democratic Senate allies that spy agency veterans will not be prosecuted for past harsh interrogation and detainee policies.

Goodness fuck, why would anyone have this discussion? Are there laws against "detainee policies" and vague forms of harshness? Why would you promise not to prosecute people for [cough cough mumble] mild naughtiness, [cough]?

When David Addington smokes off a fistful of crack and goes on a three-state child-killing spree, the AP will report that police want to capture him for "conduct some describe as potentially inappropriate, relating to certain issues involving interpersonal relations."

And to think that the Soviets actually bothered to institute direct state control of the news.

"Yeah, copy desk? I've got a line on an incident in which a government contractor delivered electric shocks to a detainee's genitals -- do we have five column-inches for a story on the alleged potential misappropriation of off-meter electric utility resources?"

and caligula bought jewels for his horse

2009-01-04T11:37:00.000-08:00

You call it an economic crisis; I call it a return to low-earth orbit. Further evidence.

things got said

2008-12-22T21:08:00.000-08:00

And I done said 'em, over at that there Cliopatria blog.

raw genius

2008-12-16T11:51:00.000-08:00

This is the single funniest thing I've read all year. To avoid spoiling the pleasure, I'll post my favorite part in the comments.

disgusting liberal media bias

2008-12-04T15:00:00.000-08:00

The AP reports on a crime in California: "A husband and wife were charged Thursday with kidnapping and torturing a 17-year-old boy authorities say was sometimes kept shackled inside their home."

Obviously, this boy was not tortured; he was, by the standards of contemporary discourse, subjected to enhanced kidnapping techniques.

"Torture" is something performed by swarthy people in Southwestern Asia, people -- let's try to keep it straight.

the next three years of economic news, neatly condensed

2008-11-24T11:23:00.001-08:00

Gubmint: Here is FREE MONEEEEZ, go buy SEXY NEW DODGE CAR!!!!!

Consumer: Oh, thank god -- some money. I'll pay off one of my credit cards.

Gubmint: No, is for STIMULATE ECOMONY, BUY SEXY DODGE CAR!!!!

(Sound of pen scratching on the face of a check.)

Gubmint: What you are doing?

(Sound of check being torn out of checkbook.)

Gubmint: WHAT YOU ARE DOING GO STIMULATE ECOMONY WITH SEXY NEW DODGE CAR

Consumer: God, it's such a relief to resolve some debt.

Gubmint: Nnnnnnnnnnnooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!

Consumer: Now that I've paid down my debt, I'm going to be more prudent.

Gubmint: Brawndo is thirst mutilat-- wait, what?

Consumer: I think I'll just keep driving this old car for a while, and save some money.

Gubmint: u suk

Consumer: It feels good to live within my means.

Gubmint: h8 u

(Silence.)

Gubmint: k u suk h8 u bai.

-- the end --

and three people feel very mild interest

2008-11-17T15:10:00.000-08:00

I have another new post at Cliopatria.

i have with deep reluctance pondered somberly your offer to provide me with lots of excellent fellatio

2008-11-16T14:00:00.001-08:00

And I have reluctantly decided that I will indeed accept. Funniest two back-to-back paragraphs to appear in recent news:

Since the capital purchase program was announced on Oct. 14, the American Bankers Association, the largest banking trade group, has twice written to Treasury to express its deep skepticism about whether banks would participate unless Treasury provided more clarity about the program's purpose. They also asked Treasury to push back the Nov. 14 deadline to give banks more time to mull their options.

Industry doubts about the program now seem to have faded. Back-of-the envelope estimates by the bankers group suggest that 40% of the industry is interested in the program, ABA executive Wayne Abernathy said.

Yes, hmmmmm, should we take a few billion dollars? Oh, it's just so hard to decide.

"Industry doubts about the program now seem to have faded." Ya think?

this is my new metaphor, and i'm sticking with it

2008-11-15T11:50:00.000-08:00

Two articles that are well worth reading.

We pumped a souffle massively full of air. And now the air is leaking out, and the souffle is deflating, and our pundits and politicians are screaming that, my god, WE'RE LOSING ALL OUR EGG AND CHEESE, WE'LL ALL STARVE AND DIE!!!!!!

We're not. We won't. It was fake wealth. The world produces $50 trillion dollars worth of actual financial value every year; outstanding financial derivatives had a paper value of $400 trillion. The financial industry created pieces of paper that they could sell to each other, pretended the printing of the paper created value, and bought some hookers and swank Connecticut mansions with it. It was paper. P-A-P-E-R, capital-p and some other letters behind it. Fuck it, fuck them, stop the government printing presses, stop handing out Monopoly money to every corporation that poormouths at the Treasury, watch the deleveraging, have some lunch, take a walk. Drink a beer. Nobody's fucked but the bankers. There will be a constriction of credit, which means that inflation will moderate and your paycheck will be worth something. You can pay cash, and live to tell about it. The crisis will only come if we bring it on. Worst possible step: Demanding that Congress do something. Because they will. They'll do lots of something. And then we're really fucked.

We're in real trouble, folks -- quickly, somebody get Steve King and Jane Harman in here! We need them to take bold action with the very foundation of our economy!

Fuuuuuuuuuuck.

verse chorus verse chorus bridge verse chorus

2008-11-14T11:18:00.000-08:00

Heh. Indeed.

the joys of medical billing

2008-11-13T15:45:00.001-08:00

Madeline Cherkis-Bray just got a sternly worded letter from a hospital warning that she is in default on her payment agreement for medical services provided earlier this year in the neonatal intensive care unit. If she doesn't immediately pay the full balance due of $0.00, she will be liable for collection fees and attorney's fees in addition to the unpaid balance.

I actually thought about sending them a check for zero dollars, but I didn't want to pay for the stamp.

blogging about blogging

2008-11-13T13:06:00.000-08:00

Posts have been light, dumb, and sprinkled with baby photos. I expect this will be the state of things, for a while. Currently our young lady is so excited by her discovery of "the standing" that she wants to practice 24/7; we wake to the sound of standing-up-grunting, followed quickly by get-me-out-of-this-thing-screaming, and find her holding the bars of the crib like a prisoner. Tiny face looking over the top, like, "what are you people doing to me?" This happens at, like, midnight, 2:00 a.m., 3:30 a.m., 5:45 a.m., 6:15 a.m., and on into daylight. She wants The Freedom. She wants to walk the earth, like Caine from Kung Fu. Her parents are therefore more dumberer, and less productive. This is physics.

As a consolation, like a warm cookie on your pillow, here's a new post of mine at Cliopatria.

great curmudgeons in history, part one

2008-11-10T11:42:00.000-08:00

Washington, 4 June 1813: "Arrived at Fredericktown about twilight, and was much pressed by the bar-keeper and servants to enter my name in their bar book. I told them that I demanded their service, for which I should pay them, and that as my name was wholly unnecessary for that purpose I should not gratify them." --

Daniel Chauncey Knowlton, ed., "The Journal of William H. Crawford." Smith College Studies in History, Vol. XI, No. 1 (Oct., 1925), pg. 9.

i have done no crime

2008-11-09T11:22:00.001-08:00

And yet The Man has erected a CAGE OF STEEL to keep me away from the oven and the cat food and all my other favorite toys.

fail

2008-11-01T15:27:00.000-07:00

Drudge: "OBAMA AUNT ILLEGAL ALIEN, DEFIED DEPORTATION ORDER."

OMFG, you want to vote for Obama!?!? What if I told you he had a SECOND COUSIN who was ARRESTED FOR SHOPLIFTING!?!?!?!?

Vortex syndrome this ugly makes me laugh out loud for several full seconds. For which I offer thanks to my Islamofascist masters.

do not maek their haff too be a politicul corect onto me

2008-11-01T12:12:00.000-07:00

Prop 8 is fucking magnificent in its pre-election effects -- it's smoking out some folks who we usually only see on the way to the cigarette store, bathrobe smelling like urine, muttering darkly about the Mexicans on the sidewalk. Read. Enjoy.

rhetorical skill like this cannot be faked

2008-10-31T09:55:00.000-07:00

"This reminds me of a circumstance that many of us parents have faced with our children. Sometimes we have a child who believes that their personal rights are more important than any of the other members of the family. As parents we have the choice of caving in to the demands of that single child just to avoid the emotional confrontation that will inevitably occur or we can choose to be behave like parents and explain that sometimes rights overlap and that one child’s rights can’t always take precedence."

Try to guess the context before you check your guess.

and america bolts to its feet, fully alert

2008-10-31T08:31:00.000-07:00

Not only did B. Hussein Obama attend an event with Rashid Khalidi, my friends. Oooooh no, my friends, it's so much more than that. Records uncovered by our team show that Hussein Obama once stayed in a hotel just two months after Devon Mihesuah stayed in a neighboring hotel! And he had coffee this one time with a friend of Robin D.G. Kelley, and and and he recently said to a friend that he thought Norman Finklestein had a pretty good case for tenure at DePaul, and he once passed David Roediger in a hallway!!!!!!!! Can we AFFORD a president who has these kinds of RADICAL TIES?

Funniest. October. Surprise. Ever.

our cognitive dissonance is strong enough to generate electricity and light the world, is our new plan for energy independence

2008-10-30T19:05:00.000-07:00

Among the principle backers of Proposition 8, the anti-gay marriage initiative in California? The Church of Latter-Day Saints.

Marriage has always been between one man and one woman, and that's a tradition we have to preser- what's everybody laughing about?

oh my god is right

2008-10-29T15:27:00.000-07:00

Do not try to watch this video while drinking a beverage.

do not want

2008-10-28T11:33:00.000-07:00

William Henry Crawford was a prominent Democratic-Republican who served as Secretary or War and Secretary of the Treasury. He ran for president in 1824, but he wasn't thrilled about it.(*) As he wrote a few years earlier to a friend who urged him to run for office:

"Why should I suffer myself to be made a mark at which every unprincipled knave shall direct the shafts of calumny and detraction for years, in order to take upon myself, if success should attend the exertions of my friends, the responsibility of governing 10,000,000 of people? I am already weary and disgusted in anticipation."

A thought that seems even more appropriate to 2008. Good luck to the winner of the upcoming election, you poor bastard.

(*FWIW, Crawford's journals suggest that he was never thrilled about anything.)

ADDED LATER: Man, did I fuck this up. This post describes William Harris Crawford, and my thanks for Ralph Luker for pointing out my careless mistake. I blame fatherhood -- which is my standing excuse for everything, these days. ("Robbed that liquor store? Well, I mean, sure, maybe -- but we have a baby, okay?")

and it's not even christmas yet

2008-10-28T11:12:00.000-07:00

"Here's some free money so you can help us fix the economy."

(Long pause.)

"Wait, where are you going? Get back here!"

(Long silence.)

"Hey!"

(Long silence.)

i gave you my lunch money, and you still beat me up

2008-10-28T11:01:00.000-07:00

Try not to laugh.

forever forward, amen

2008-10-27T10:23:00.001-07:00

Take bailout, not bitch about taxes.

Not take bailout, bitch about taxes.

The end.

she's gone after more books than mayor palin

2008-10-25T12:00:00.000-07:00

qvc afternoon shopping show, 2013

2008-10-22T10:56:00.000-07:00

"Ya know, the liberal urban elites don't appreciate nice turquoise earrings like this, so those of you out in the decent parts of America, well, golly heck, why doncha give us a call right now, and pay for these beauts in three easy installments of just $39.99 each, 'cause it'll drive the elitist big city types crazy to see you wear 'em, you betcha. All right, then, so our next item is a real keeper, and we love these up in Wasilla, where we don't have many blacks or Jews and all the queers or what have ya -- this is a real, real nice popcorn popper with the picture of the great flag of America right on the side, here, and we got it on sale today for real cheap, so give us a call, quantities are real real limited, okay?"

it's the other white meat

2008-10-15T16:16:00.000-07:00

My second guess, behind the elegant versions of "Barack Obama feasted on tons of cock at his homoislamist madrassa," was going to be that the October surprise would be a, well, "not surprise," but rather sort of a extended dance remix of the same William Ayers/Angry Negro minister/secret Muslim hits of the summer, played louder and with the drum track cranked to eleven. Given the rapidly swelling volume and increasingly urgent tone of my daily "Dick Morris says William Ayers caused the subprime crash" emails from friends and family, that looks like a good guess, too. I was trying to figure out what the whole non-discussion reminded me of, and then it came to me:

Tourist: Yeah, hey -- uh, you got any Pepto-Bismol back there?

Cashier: ¿Qué?

Tourist: Pepto-Bismol, Pepto-Bismol, for the, you know, for the stomach.

Cashier: Lo siento -- no entiendo.

Tourist: PEPTO-BISMOL.

Cashier: No habla Ingles, lo siento.

(Long silence.)

Tourist: I don't think he understands.

Second tourist: Oh, he understands. Let me try.

(Steps forward, clears throat.)

Second Tourist: Uh, excuse-uh me, señor, I -- Uh, do you have-oh el Pepto-Bismol-oh?

Cashier: (Shrugs)

(Tourists exchange glances.)

Tourist: PEPTO-BISMOL! PEPTO-BISMOL! PEPTO-BISMOL! PEPTO-BISMOL! HELLO?!?!? PEPTO-BISMOL!!!!!

Cashier: (Sighs, shrugs)

Tourists (in unison): What's wrong with these people?

(exeunt)

William Ayers killed Jesus, ladies and gentlemen. Don't believe me? Well, WILLIAM AYERS MURDERED JESUS!!!!!!!

human beings i have made

2008-10-15T13:03:00.000-07:00

Our young lady continues to make the rounds of blogs other than her own dear father's.

deep thoughts

2008-10-15T09:47:00.000-07:00

Hugh Henry Brackenridge was a major choad.

More later.

khaaaaaaaaaan!!!

2008-10-14T14:44:00.001-07:00

I'm so pissed off right now -- I had planned a post handicapping the October surprise, and I was totally going to put all my money on "Obama loves the gay sex." But I barely have the energy to bother, these days, and now I've waited too long, and that horse has crossed the line.

Trust your instincts, kids, trust your instincts.

Over dinner a couple of weeks ago, I said to a couple across the table that the October surprise would be amazing new evidence showing that Obama drank the blood of Christian babies during a massive homosexual orgy at his madrassa, his lover bin Laden holding the cup to his lips, cock hard and hands trembling, the other men all looking on, hissing, yesssssss, drink of the cup from which America will be destroooooyed!!!!. And there was a long pause, and someone across the table said, in all earnestness, "I don't know, that one just seems like maybe too much of a stretch to really be plausible."

Anyway, I'm just looking forward to the inauguration speech. From my favorite Arab Muslim Maoist black nationalist secret jihadist Manchurian gay presidential candidate ever.

And the hell of it is, I didn't even vote for him. Is it too late to get my absentee ballot back?

their is good buk i not red them but they're real good

2008-10-10T12:03:00.000-07:00

Snarfle.

the chimeras are burning

2008-10-10T09:17:00.001-07:00

Take ten pieces of paper and a crayon, and write "ten billion dollars" on each piece of paper. Wait a year, then take the pieces of paper to the store and try to buy things with them. When the cashier frowns and tells you that the pieces of paper have no value, you'll want to sent an urgent message to the Secretary of the Treasury and the chairman of the Federal Reserve Bank to tell them that your portfolio has lost a hundred billion dollars in value, and you urgently need an injection of liquidity to go on participating in the economy. If they stick to the pattern, they'll buy your bad paper for cash. That recipe in numbered steps:

1.) Create paper wealth.
2.) Fail.
3.) Get free money!

Four trillion dollars have vanished from global equities in the current market crash. Where did that value go? What crops burned? What factories crumbled to dust?

The wealth being destroyed never existed. And we're working frantically to prop up the dying fiction.

From sickness comes further sickness. Let it burn.

In the meantime, if there are any lawyers reading the blog -- how hard would it be for me to legally change my name to "The Bank of Chris Bray, Inc."?

"a veritable maoist orgy of contempt for the very idea of law"

2008-10-10T08:39:00.000-07:00

Too good to be missed.

he viciously made claims about the wetness of water, and brutally attacked motherhood by dropping an apple and saying that gravity had made it fall

2008-10-07T14:23:00.000-07:00

Sarah Palin is hammering Barack Obama for daring to claim that the United States military is bombing villages and killing civilians in Afghanistan, where the United States military is fighting an enemy that lives in villages and mixes with the civilian population. What is it that these people think war is? I mean, he says our troops are bombing people -- it's treason!

At this point, only psychological explanations will suffice.

the moment of maximum peril

2008-10-06T09:32:00.001-07:00

If I were Osama bin Laden or Moqtada al Sadr, I would be about two weeks away from launching a massive and sustained attack on American military facilities in Afghanistan or Iraq. Like the Tet Offensive, it wouldn't need to be a tactical success to be a strategic success; unlike the Tet Offensive, such an attack would take place in the useful context of a metastasizing financial crisis in the occupying force's home society. A few more rocks in the bottom of the boat as it takes water over the side...

But clearly, if such an event were to occur, the United States could prevail by "choosing to win" and "believing in American exceptionalism."

In far more important news, Barack Obama is like Paris Hilton, and wants to teach little white kindergartners to fuck.

the little talking point that couldn't

2008-09-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

"And even though home ownership is at near-record highs, we've got too many of our fellow citizens who happen to be minorities who don't own a home -- 75 percent of the Anglos in America own a home; the minority home ownership in America is below 50 percent. And it seems like to me we've got to do something about it. If it's good for America that people own a home, we want people from all walks of life owning
their own home.

"And so I let out a goal. I said over the next decade, we want there
to be 5.5 million new minority home owners."

-- President George Bush, 2003

i contact you of very wealth

2008-09-24T18:11:00.000-07:00

My Frend,

I am very Big Man, secretary to the Treshury of America! I want to have very confidetal deal with you, my frend, that I need for you please to keep betwen us. I must put into America a very big money, its is called a GDP, it is $14 trillion! But their is a problem, my frend, you see the banks do not have a liquid of the capitol. I ask that for you to put the liquid, my frend, it is small amount, just $1.8 trillion, so the banks can put out the $14 trillion that they will put into America of your account!

Please send to me your bank accoiunt numbers my frend so that I can put the $14 trillion to you, and do this riegt away. Do not tell others my frend, it is very impiortant to be confidental for now.

Secratery Henry Palson of America

ADDED LATER: Bastards!

circle jerk

2008-09-23T13:01:00.000-07:00

If I understand this correctly, Paulson's argument is that the failure of subprime mortgages and financial instruments derived from the packaging of subprime mortgages has led to a liquidity crisis -- a contraction of available credit due to undercapitalization. His solution is to print hundreds of billions of dollars of treasury bills and sell them to investors.

He's going to take loans from banks to give to banks so that banks can make loans.

ADDED LATER:

See also.

counterinsurgency comes home

2008-09-22T13:00:00.000-07:00

The U.S. Army has assigned an infantry brigade to domestic operations, according to the Army Times. The first two paragraphs of the linked story are just too fucking perfect (emphasis added):

The 3rd Infantry Division’s 1st Brigade Combat Team has spent 35 of the last 60 months in Iraq patrolling in full battle rattle, helping restore essential services and escorting supply convoys.

Now they’re training for the same mission — with a twist — at home

[...]

They may be called upon to help with civil unrest and crowd control...The 1st BCT’s soldiers also will learn how to use "the first ever nonlethal package that the Army has fielded," 1st BCT commander Col. Roger Cloutier said, referring to crowd and traffic control equipment and nonlethal weapons designed to subdue unruly or dangerous individuals without killing them.

In case there's any doubt at all about where we've arrived.

new psychology

2008-09-21T23:02:00.000-07:00

A 700-billion-dollar corporate bailout (which means a trillion-dollar corporate bailout) opens the door to single-payer medicine in the coming years, with a Democratic Congress and a Democratic president. How do the Republicans say, "oh, but that would cost hundreds of billions of dollars!"?

Here's the television commercial after the CBO says single-payer would cost hundreds of billions a year: "The Republicans gave a trillion dollars to the fat-cat bankers, but they won't spend half that amount to keep your child from dying because you can't afford the medical care she deserves."

Once you crank up the printing press for a trillion-dollar war here, a trillion-dollar bailout there... Once you've allowed for the idea that government can make enormous interventions in the economy, eroding the boundary between private markets and the public sector...

The door is open. We'll be going through it more than once. And the Republican Party opened it.

the people's central committee on finance shall not be questioned

2008-09-21T14:43:00.000-07:00

Yep.

paging eugene ionesco

2008-09-20T16:31:00.000-07:00

Noted without comment.

there will be conseq-- just kidding!

2008-09-20T09:53:00.001-07:00

Since the L.A. County Registrar's office can't be convinced that I no longer need extra time to mail my ballot home from the Middle East, I've already voted in the November 4 election. I am delighted to report that Henry "Sternly Worded Letters" Waxman was the only name on the ballot for his seat in the House, as it was on the Democratic primary ballot. In the later years of a war without end and a spectacular national fit of financial insanity, our political class has managed to so thoroughly insulate itself from responsibility that they can fail miserably and keep their jobs comfortably, forever and ever amen.

The California legislature turned in a sham budget this year, several months late, setting a new record for missing the budget deadline and making the problem worse by borrowing against future revenues. My useless asshole assemblyman will be returned, natch, and so will they all. Those termed out of their seats will trade for seats in the Senate or a six-figure sinecure on a state commission.

Our democratic republic -- sorry, I break into laughter every time -- is neither. Our political class has successfully broken our systems of accountability; they're off the leash. We have the forms of representative government, but not the substance. And not even close to it.

When does it become reasonable to start shooting them?

pretty soon you're talking about real money

2008-09-19T20:54:00.000-07:00

Does any Republican ever get to complain about welfare ever again, as long as we all might live?

when all interests collapse into one, there can be no conflict of interest

2008-09-18T17:54:00.000-07:00

While Blackwater is the State Department's army and the federal government owns your mortgage (and the insurance policy on your mortgage), the same collapse of public/private distinctions is underway at the local level. I just got my city government's quarterly newsletter in the mail, and read the profile of the city's new "parking operations manager." In that job, Jackie Rocco will oversee "a variety of contract services related to parking." High on that list of contracts will be the contract between the City of West Hollywood and Affiliated Computer Services, the company that collects parking citation fines and conducts administrative review of contested parking citations on the city's behalf.

Before she took a job at the City of West Hollywood overseeing that city's contract with Affiliated Computer Services, Jackie Rocco worked for -- try to guess -- Affiliated Computer Services. Where she oversaw that company's contract with the City of West Hollywood, natch.

I mean, fuck -- why even bother to pretend that these are different entities, anymore?

fatherhood

2008-09-17T13:14:00.000-07:00

When does the tired feeling go away?

"mabie I tested on a slow year"

2008-09-17T10:41:00.000-07:00

From Amazon, reader reviews for Infinite Jest:

By Kelly (Rochester, NY)
This review is from: Infinite Jest: A Novel (Paperback)

I tried, I really did! I am your average 30 year old who likes to think that they enjoy a range of novels from Harry Potter to Oprah's club to Bridget Jones type tales to David Sedaris...my favorite book (I Know this Much is True by Wally Lamb) was even this long! I barely made it through 150 pages of Infinite Jest...there is just too much to figure out! I didn't like so many characters (I would have just liked to hear about the one family), and I think that you need to be doctoral student in literature to unravel all of the language. I am not one to give up on books (I read The Corrections!) but I was starting to dread my nightly reading times thinking about returning to this maze of a book! No offense to the author's triumph...I guess I am not that smart!

By Hare Lip "Davy" (Pennsylvania, United States)

An overrated writer. Yet still a loss to those who knew and loved him. Think I'll start reading the latest Grisham novel tomorrow...maybe.

By A Customer
This review is from: Infinite Jest: A Novel (Hardcover)

What can I say? This literary monstrosity is like Shakespearian dialog for Mensa members. I pride myself on being an intelegent well read person and I will happily agree David Foster Wallace is a genius, however, the man should write techniclal books for NASA or books on quantum physics. That way, all of us "stupid people" who only scored in the top 4 percent in english on our SAT's insted of the top 2 wouldnt even pick his work up (mabie I tested on a slow year).

By Cosmoetica "cosmoeticadotcom" (New York, USA)

Infinite Jest, by David Foster Wallace, is the worst science fiction novel ever written. The truth is it might be the worst novel ever written, or at least published, but given the fact that Wallace has stiff competition from the burgeoning spawn of PC Elitist writers, not to mention his own PoMo kith, such as Rick Moody, Dave Eggers, and that ilk, I think I'll stick with just calling it the worst sci fi has ever produced. Granted, I am not one who has read all the depth of sci fi offerings, but I've read enough to know that this so far undershoots the rest that by mere extrapolation it would be a titanic achievement for another author to do worse. Yes, there are the sword and sorcerer riff-raff, the cyber-punk crapola, and the remanent dross of the Golden and Silver Ages of sci fi still hanging around, and even those who've produced masterpieces, such as Richard Matheson and Ursula LeGuin, have been known to write horrorshow books in terms of quality, but this dystopian novel by Wallace is worse than them all.

By Hoam Rowe "No Worries" (Yo'mama)
This review is from: Infinite Jest: A Novel (Paperback)

There was a time when picking up a book made you feel that you would be whisked away to a fantasy world, entertained, moved, and satisfied. With this guy picking up a book means getting a hernia. If it is not 400k words, it must not be analyzed enough! I could not take it. It was written fine, the thing was long and boring enough to get the kudos of people that have spent their lives loving all the words of the world so much that every single one of them must be put in their book. Sure, he was making good points, for the 1990s! Argh, not my cup of tea. But remember, this guy won a freeking McAuthor genius grant.

By Chritsopher W Kuehnle (NJ baby)
This review is from: Infinite Jest: A Novel (Paperback)

If you're like me and have difficulty forming words out of letters, and then forming sentences out of those words, then this is not the book for you. I mean, ... wow, that's a heck of a lot of words.

What a shock that he found his life depressing.

me slam face in door, it make me think of other times me slam face in door, but this time me think is good to slam face in door

2008-09-15T09:02:00.000-07:00

Ohh, Doughy Pantload, Doughy Pantload. Thank you for existing. Today's wonderful comic line, after passing on some MAJOR NEW INFORMATION from Amir Taheri: "If memory serves, Taheri hasn't always panned out..."

Ya think?

thought experiment

2008-09-14T16:11:00.000-07:00

You own a hundred thousand preferred shares in Conglomerated Industries, Inc. You learn that the CEO of the company is being replaced, and you call a friend on the board to find out what the new CEO's qualifications are. The answer:

"Oh, she's amazing! Like, this one time? She shot a moose! And she has a baby with Down's Syndrome, and she decided not to have an abortion! And the best part is, the other candidate for the job went to Harvard. But the one we're going with? She for damn sure doesn't have some fancy education."

Do you unload the stock?

future charles krauthammer columns

2008-09-13T14:40:00.001-07:00

(Today's.)

September 26th:

During an interview this week, vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin responded to a question about the future of SEATO with the claim that it "got great mileage, but needed a redesign around the fender and headlights." Crazy liberals have claimed that this statement reveals Palin to have limited foreign policy experience, but in fact, the existence of SEATO has until today been known only to an obscure band of asexual Flemish landscape painters who live underwater and communicate only by grunting in their own made-up language.

Oct. 4th:

During an interview this week, vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin responded to a question about the Federal Reserve Bank with the claim that it "totally like overcharges for out-of-network ATM stuff, and they never have free donuts in the lobby." Crazy liberals have claimed that this statement reveals Palin to have limited knowledge of economic policy, but in fact, the Federal Reserve Bank is a secretive organization that doesn't have letterhead or an office, and only emerges briefly out of the mist on foggy mornings along the Irish coast.

Oct. 12th:

During an interview this week, vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin responded to a question about the United States Marine Corps with the question, "Is that the bakery in Petaluma with the really delicious lemon muffins?" Crazy liberals have claimed that this question reveals Palin to have limited knowledge of military affairs, but in fact, the United States Marine Corps has spent the last century hiding in the basement under my house with Greta Garbo, coming out only to steal ice cubes from the freezer and giggle at my neighbor's kittens through the kitchen window.

Oct. 21:

During an interview this week, vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin responded to a question about the federal government by squinting, licking her hands, and whimpering in a make-believe foreign accent that she's "never heard of no federal government thingie." Crazy liberals have claimed that this statement reveals Palin to have limited knowledge about government, but in fact, the federal government is a mystic creature with a single horn between its ears and the body of a lion, buttercup gumdrop cupcake lollipop hooray for bunnies!

Nov. 1:

Sarah Palin says the earth is a magic faerie that lives in her eyeball, and sober assessment by responsible adults will I am so fucking lost right now, the bats, the bats, the whole globe is all like in the mind of god and we all dance with Lucy in the skies, and Vishnu lives in cloud of bees, vote Republican, my head, my mind, where did they go, does a soul have a soul, does a whooooooa look at my hand, dude, it's on fire, and the fire is so cold, I'm all like forever is in me, man, you know what I mean, like, is there a floor under the floor and shit?

This kind of insight can't be faked.

sarah palin's day job in an alternative universe

2008-09-12T14:44:00.000-07:00

"Yes or no -- did these toys blind these children?

"Well, Morley, now, if these activists want to falsely accuse Conglomerated Industries of making toys that blinded these little children, well, that's their business. But we know the facts, and the fact is that Conglomerated Industries makes safe toys."

"But we have videotaped footage of the children being blinded by these toys."

"Well, Morley, now, if these activists want to falsely accuse Conglomerated Industries of making toys that blinded these little children, well, that's their business. But we know the facts, and the fact is that Conglomerated Industries makes safe toys."

"There are thousands of eyewitnesses."

"Well, Morley, now, if these activists want to falsely accuse Conglomerated Industries of making toys that blinded these little children, well, that's their business. But we know the facts, and the fact is that Conglomerated Industries makes safe toys."

"You've lost over two hundred product liability lawsuits."

"Well, Morley, now, if these activists want to falsely accuse Conglomerated Industries of making toys that blinded these little children, well, that's their business. But we know the facts, and the fact is that Conglomerated Industries makes safe toys."

"And a dozen government investigations have all clearly established that these toys did, in fact, blind these children."

"Well, Morley, now, if these activists want to falsely accuse Conglomerated Industries of making toys that blinded these little children, well, that's their business. But we know the facts, and the fact is that Conglomerated Industries makes safe toys."

(Long silence.)

breakfast in wasilla

2008-09-12T00:02:00.000-07:00

Waitress: You ready to order?

First customer: Yes, I will have the lingonberry pancakes.

Waitress: And you?

Second customer: Lingonberry pancakes.

Waitress: Lingonberry pancakes, all right. How about you, hon?

Third Customer: I will have pigs in a blanket.

Waitress: Okay.

Third customer: And a short stack of lingonberry pancakes.

Waitress: Plus the short stack, got it. And ma'am, how about you? Ready to order?

Fourth customer: We cannot blink.

Waitress: Ma'am?

Fourth customer: We have to, we have to, these are tough. These are tough, tough, that is to say, decisions. And we have to make them, and we cannot blink. The toughness of not blinking!

Waitress: The lingonberry pancakes are very popular.

Fourth customer: (long silence)

Waitress: Ma'am? You want me to come back?

Fourth customer: (long silence)

Waitress: We could scramble up some eggs for you.

Fourth customer: (long silence)

Waitress: Do you like scrambled eggs?

Fourth customer: In what sense, Charlie?

Waitress: (long silence)

Fourth customer: To lead is to, we cannot, there must be no blinking, the tough, the toughness, to not blink. Decision. Tough choices. Lead. So not blink, I say. And I'm very confident, Charlie, in that. So if I would say then anybody expects that there would I think be blinking being blinked, then no, then tough decision!

Waitress: Sooooo... Let's just call it the lingonberry pancakes, then.

Fourth customer: And maybe invade Russia!

and a march on moscow for dessert

2008-09-11T18:42:00.000-07:00

Curtis LeMay is no longer the craziest son-of-a-bitch to have ever run for vice-president.

the hope of audacity

2008-09-11T13:01:00.001-07:00

Today's Wall Street Journal carries a stern warning to the Democratic Party about the dangers of elitist disconnection with the working class. This'll be tough, but try really hard to spot the funny part:

Democrats Need to Shake The 'Elitist' Tag
By LYNN FORESTER DE ROTHSCHILD

I'll never understand how they manage to do this without dissolving into a giggling fit: "As the former mayor of New York City, I say (pffft) we have to (pfffffffft) take back our country from the (pfffffft) from the (pffffft) from the east coast elites bwaaaaaa hah hah hahhah (fade out).

THE LABOUR PARTY IS VERY ELITIST
by Chumsley P. Luffington Kensworth Chipplenaught IV
Nineteenth Earl of Lemitshire

It has come to my attention that the common lot, a scruffy batch that likes to have a pint of beer and a shag in the alleyway, is looked down upon by the Labour Party. The leaders of that party speak to this miserable rabble about such topics as "education" and "foreign policy." All rubbish, of course -- you might as well explain cricket to a Zulu savage.

And yet Labour goes on condescending to the lower orders. Troubling indeed!

and fuck you, too

2008-09-07T11:58:00.000-07:00

"The silence of the Republican party was deafening," Joe Biden says, noting some conspicuously unmentioned topics at the Republican convention.

Jesus Fucking God, asshole, can you think of any deafening silences at the Democratic convention?

words have meaning

2008-09-02T22:01:00.001-07:00

A photo caption says that the photo shows Navy officer John McCain as "a wounded soldier." A headline to a story describing alleged murders by three Army NCOs says that "U.S. officers killed blindfolded Iraqis." And Glenn Greenwald reports from Minneapolis that he saw "brigades" of police officers marching in a line.

Me, I saw four green myocardial infarctions riding a ten-wheeled bicycle with a Catholic lay pope today. It was kewl!

lots of everything

2008-08-26T00:25:00.000-07:00

When our young lady was born, many weeks early, our OB said that he wanted to have a pediatrics team in the room during the delivery. And so, later that night during the big event, extra bodies started streaming through the door, and I said, ah, these must be the people from pediatrics. They weren't -- the doctor had just asked to have a few extra nurses brought in from the labor and delivery unit, just in case.

A few minutes later, with a tiny head making its way up the St. Lawrence River, the OB turned to one of the nurses and very calmly said, "Okay, let's have peds."

And then, words fail me, a wave of human beings poured through the door. I went around later and looked at name tags -- there were pediatrics residents, a pediatrics attending, a light sprinkling of neonatology fellows, a bunch of nurses, and three wise men bearing gifts. It was like a Packers game -- I felt like I'd missed an opportunity by not setting up a concession stand. It took me a while, I am not making this up, to work my way through the crowd and get to the baby.

I compare this whole big show to a friend's recent labor and delivery experience. She said that, um, HURTS, and heard in response that, well, we got us a gas-passer right here in the haw-spittle, but, now, see, he's in surgery at the present time. There was one anesthesiologist in the whole fucking building. And he was busy, sorry 'bout that. She waited. In pain.

So the discussion we have -- very, very often -- is about how to stack up the competing quality of life measurements. We can walk four blocks to one of the best hospitals in the country; it takes a fucking hour to drive to see the dentist, who is maybe six miles away.

Ann called 911 once when she was home alone and a door slammed downstairs; waves of very earnest cops came pouring out of the street, starting about 45 seconds after she dialed the phone. (Their favorite coffee stop is at the end of our block.) But undying waves of massively expensive parking tickets also spew from the skies onto our windshields. You can get a parking ticket in West Hollywood just for typing the word "car," and I just totally fucked myself by saying so. (Personal to Parking Enforcement Officer Pineda, #P117: Fuck you, motherfucker. Whaddya, live under my fucking car?)

The benefits of high-density living are real. And yet our wireless doorbell rings four or five times a day when no one is at the door, because a hundred neighbors in a fifty-foot radius also have wireless fucking doorbells, and there are only so many frequencies they can use. (When we fired up the baby monitor for the first time? Barking dog. We only have cats.)

We fantasize about idyllic small-town living. Until we think about taking our child to a place with a rural hospital and a minimally staffed ER. (All I know is that there are emergency rooms in rural California that are staffed with nurses, but they have a doctor who can drive in from somewhere else in the county if they make a phone call. Fuck that.)

So it beats me. I hate it here. And I'm gonna drown my sorrow by walking around the corner to the liquor store -- I love that I can do that!

Oy.

elsewhere

2008-08-23T00:37:00.000-07:00

Andrew Bacevich is just so totally not my biggest fan. Here's what I said; here's what he said. See also my comments at the bottom of his response.

ADDED LATER:

More.

fat man still hungry

2008-08-22T16:40:00.001-07:00

The Association of the Unites States Army is lobbying Congress to set defense spending at five percent of GDP, with "at least 28%" reserved to the Army. So that would be about $650 billion a year for defense spending, with about $180 billion for the army alone.

Frank Gaffney is a piker.

"an extraordinarily dangerous incident"

2008-08-20T12:12:00.001-07:00

The Ministry of Transportation Security fucks up some airplanes.

and bobby flay urges you to go vegan

2008-08-13T16:47:00.000-07:00

Now that's funny.

hallucinatory politics

2008-08-12T15:21:00.000-07:00

The distinctly sober and non-insane Bing West gets more than a little wild-eyed in the opinion pages of today's Wall Street Journal, building a bizarre rhetorical circle that negates its own premises. It's an argument for continuing the American war in Iraq, under the exceptionally curious headline, "The War in Iraq Is Over. What Next?"

It just gets stranger from there:

With victory in sight, why would we quit? The steady -- but not total -- withdrawal of U.S. troops from Iraq is freeing up forces to fight in Afghanistan. But Afghanistan is not the central front in the war on terror. Al Qaeda is hiding in Pakistan, a nation we are not going to invade.

We should stay in Iraq, because we are winning the war against al-Qaeda there, but al-Qaeda is not there, they are elsewhere, and we are not going to fight them where they are, but must go on beating them where they are mostly not, because we're winning there.

Then there's the new promise to draw down: "We are withdrawing as conditions permit. For instance, in the infamous Triangle of Death south of Baghdad, Col. Dominic Caraccilo has spread his rifle companies across 22 police precincts. Over the next year, he plans to pull out two of every three companies, leaving the population protected by Iraqi forces, backed by a thin screen of American soldiers."

To avoid being tedious, I won't post the identical versions of this claim that were made in 2005 and 2006 and 2007, when they were standing up so we could stand down.

And still more nonsense: "A stable Iraq keeps faith with the million American soldiers who fought there, sets back Iran's aggression, and makes our enemies in Afghanistan and elsewhere fear us."

Our willingness to fight in Iraq makes our enemies elsewhere -- such as Pakistan, "a nation we are not going to invade" -- fear us. By this reasoning, the proper response to the Japanese attack on Pearl Harbor was to bomb the fuck out of Peru, to show the Japanese our willingness to fight. The fear of a distant force that surely isn't coming your way -- it's awesome.

Recognizing that the headline almost certainly came from an editor, it's fun to count the number of ways that the text of the piece proves the headline to be false:

"Then, in the spring of 2008, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki attacked the Mahdi militia of radical Shiite cleric Moqtada al-Sadr that controlled Basra and half of Baghdad. The militia crumbled under pressure from Iraqi soldiers backed by coalition intelligence and air assets...and the Iraqi offensive against Sadr's militia in Basra last April revealed an atrocious Iraqi command and control system."

(That last ellipse represents several missing paragraphs between Maliki KICKING ASS on the Mahdi Army and Maliki, uh, not kicking ass on the Mahdi Army.)

"The threat in Iraq has changed from a full-scale insurgency into an antiterror campaign." These are clearly very different things. One involves military operations against a shadowy enemy that mixes into the population, striking with hidden bombs and hit-and-run attacks; the other involves military operations against a shadowy enemy that mixes into the population, striking with hidden bombs and hit-and-run attacks.

"Al Qaeda in Iraq is entrenched in northern Mosul, where it may take 18 months to completely defeat them." You heard that claim 18 months ago. You'll hear it again in another 18 months.

The Friedman Unit tripled. That's certainly a kind of progress.

dude

2008-08-11T02:55:00.000-07:00

Now this is a life story. And he's got a few decades left to run with.

(Much more here.)

torture is real

2008-08-06T22:12:00.001-07:00

And I would break inside of five minutes.

"beyond perverse"

2008-07-30T21:44:00.000-07:00

If you don't count the violence in Iraq, there's no more violence in Iraq. Simple!

the rich musk of real damn man-courage wafts to my nostrils, and i become fully erect, orienting my engorged member toward mount rushmore

2008-07-30T13:20:00.000-07:00

"As for me, I have been wearing a flag in my lapel since September 11, 2001, and with special care ever since American forces took the war to the place whence it emanated, Afghanistan. As long as brave Americans were willing to accept, if necessary, wounds or death on our behalf, I felt a duty to be faithful to them: 'This flag’s for them!' And will stay in my lapel until they are out of harm’s way." -- William Novak, The Corner.

Via Ioz.

the earth moved for me, too

2008-07-29T16:29:00.001-07:00

Contrary to the headlines, Los Angeles wasn't really ROCKED by an earthquake today. I would say we were "vigorously undulated," or "vibrated in slightly-more-than-mild fashion." Which is not to say that a certain tiny human wasn't ripped out of bed and rushed under the nearest doorway, while her parents screamed and caterwauled like sinners at a tent revival. We've both sat quietly through much bigger earthquakes, so, yes, babies do change everything.

Related, the dozen phone calls that followed all started the same way: "OH MY GOD, I JUST HEARD ON THE NEWS -- IS THE BABY OKAY!?!?!?"

And we're fine, too, yes.

games

2008-07-28T17:48:00.000-07:00

You're the leader of a sizable Shiite faction in a Shiite-majority country in which Sunnis are unlikely to regain their lost power in the near term. Currently a different Shiite faction holds power, but if you can destroy that faction's hold on power, you might have a shot at running the country and profiting from control of its economic resources. The faction that holds power is a client of the foreign occupier that currently has a substantial military force in your country. Without the continued support of the foreign occupier, your competitor for power -- who keeps using his army to attack your militia -- may very well fall from power. And your followers resent the foreign occupation.

Now: The foreign occupier is having an election for head of state. One candidate says he'll keep troops in your country for a very long time. ("Make it a hundred.") The other candidate wants to leave in a little less than a year and a half. The candidate who wants to occupy your country for the long term stakes his entire claim to credibility on his support for a troop "surge" by the foreign occupier's military: Violence has declined in the country we occupy, and I supported the tactic we used to achieve that reduction in violence, so I'm the candidate with superior judgment.

It's currently late July; the election is in early November. What would you do, and when?

i have to stop doing this

2008-07-26T23:19:00.001-07:00

I picked up the Los Angeles Times, tonight, at the place I usually pick up newspapers -- on the floor around the elliptical trainers -- and was greeted with an op-ed essay warning that Barack Obama's Berlin speech revealed his foreign policy naiveté. The author? John Bolton.

I assume there's really just one set of op-ed editors left on the planet, now, and they just do a different font for each newspaper.

back away slowly

2008-07-26T21:12:00.000-07:00

If you read every word of this, you'll have a pretty good sense of what it's like to live in Los Angeles. Also, your brain will die.

Next, if you still can, read the author's bio.

DEEPAK CHOPRA MEETS CARRIE BRAblaaaarrggghhhh, the pain.

i have the strangest feeling that i've heard this before

2008-07-26T19:38:00.000-07:00

Analysis: US now winning Iraq war that seemed lost

By ROBERT BURNS and ROBERT H. REID, Associated Press Writers
Sat Jul 26, 7:08 PM ET

BAGHDAD - The United States is now winning the war that two years ago seemed lost. Limited, sometimes sharp fighting and periodic terrorist bombings in Iraq are likely to continue, possibly for years. But the Iraqi government and the U.S. now are able to shift focus from mainly combat to mainly building the fragile beginnings of peace — a transition that many found almost unthinkable as recently as one year ago."

great memories

2008-07-26T12:58:00.000-07:00

A good week to remember this one:

But as a practical matter, in very few Islamic countries do the governments have sufficient authority to resist demands for the punishment of apostates at the hands of religious authorities....

Because no government is likely to allow the prosecution of a President Obama — not even those of Iran and Saudi Arabia, the only two countries where Islamic religious courts dominate over secular law — another provision of Muslim law is perhaps more relevant: it prohibits punishment for any Muslim who kills any apostate, and effectively prohibits interference with such a killing.

At the very least, that would complicate the security planning of state visits by President Obama to Muslim countries, because the very act of protecting him would be sinful for Islamic security guards.

-- Edward Luttwak, "President Apostate?" New York Times, May 12, 2008.

A shame Barack Obama will never be able to visit the Middle East without being killed.

But at least the issue of a visit to Israel is off the table, since Iran destroyed it with nuclear weapons almost two years ago.

i reel mad you not have me pas you're class

2008-07-26T00:13:00.001-07:00

Priceless.

fudge haus

2008-07-25T23:36:00.000-07:00

It's sad, but it's funny.

you give us twenty minutes...

2008-07-25T00:02:00.000-07:00

...and we'll give you a splitting headache

An editorial from Thursday's USA Today, which I made the mistake of picking up from the floor at the gym:

"Our view on Iraq: Why can't Obama admit the obvious? The surge worked."

They illustrate this point with a chart showing the decline in deaths resulting from multiple-casualty bombings. The chart begins...

...in July of 2007. Which is, I don't know, when the war started? When the insurgency began? I get confused. But July of 2007 is a perfect baseline for measuring violence in Iraq, or they wouldn't have used it. Violence in Iraq before July 2007 was too trivial to notice or measure.

It gets better, though: "As for the surge not producing sufficient political reconciliation in Iraq, it's true that efforts to integrate Sunnis into a Shiite-dominated political culture are only inching forward. But reconciliation takes many forms, and Shiite Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki's military attacks against rogue Shiite militias in Basra and Baghdad's Sadr City were a hugely important signal to Sunnis."

It reminds me of overhearing a father who can't bring himself to admit to his children that he doesn't know something. Well, kids, basically, the sun glows like that because it's, uh, covered in polished sheets of silver, and, uh, during the day, glowing bugs crawl around on the surface and make the silver real shiny.

On the op-ed page, by the way? A big essay under the headline, "Best ideas are ideology-free."

So, see, we just need to find the ideas that have no particular cultural or political premises in them -- the ideas without ideas inside. They're available in deep outer space, where they grow in a perfect thought vacuum. Like USA Today.

doing great!

2008-07-24T13:49:00.000-07:00

The TSA strips a 71 year-old man to his underwear in public view to make sure that his metal knee replacement isn't a dirty Islamofascist trick to make there not be any more Western Civilization so that our women all have to wear burqas and we can't have there be a Jesus anymore!!!!!

Keep it in perspective, says a TSA spokesman:

"A spokesman said that out of 2 billion passengers screened nationwide since 9-11, there have been only 110,000 abuse complaints."

uh...

2008-07-22T15:54:00.000-07:00

The California Transportation Foundation gives out annual prizes to transportation projects and planners. And they named the prizes the...