A Beautiful Wedding
Not only is Chris’s wedding the subject of a live webcast; it also is covered by the following live blogmentary by Sam and Michael!Sam: The video won’t load
Michael: Why isn’t the video loading? Did you mess it up?
Sam: Stop accusing me! The video just isn’t loading. Maybe if I hit reload…
[Sound in the background of wedding bells]
Sam: It’s buffering! It’s buffering! Wait who is that? This is the wrong wedding!
Michael: I told you that you needed to click on the “Chris Bray” link!
Sam: No woops that’s Ann’s father. This is the right wedding. There is Chris!
Michael: He really is wearing a tuxedo t-shirt and shorts! I can’t believe he took the bet. He must really be desperate for money.
[Meanwhile—in the background—the minister begins a commentary on the joys of marriage. He suggests that Chris should continue to buy Ann gifts, particularly diamonds.]
Sam: Did she just roll her eyes at him? I think I just saw a thought bubble, and it said “yeah, right.”
Michael: [begins sobbing uncontrollably]
[Meanwhile Chris and Anne exchange vows]
Michael: Chris and Ann both really sound sincere. And that is difficult considering the rather unsightly rip in his tuxedo shirt. The camera work on this is amazing; they must have three or four different angles on this thing. This is no run of the mill wedding webcast!
Sam: [begins sobbing uncontrollably]
[Back at the ranch Chris and Ann exchange rings]
Sam and Michael: [begin sobbing uncontrollably]
Congratulations Chris and Ann! We tried to submit a “toast” online but could not quite figure out how to do it. It really was a beautiful ceremony and we both look forward to the happy years we know the two of you will spend together. We wish there had been time or room for us to have been there with you to share this moment. Nonetheless it was clear even from several hundred miles away that the two of you were made for each other.
posted by Michael Benson @ 8:26 PM
4 Comments:
I would like to say that M.B.'s account of the wedding is a bit skewed. Here is what I thought happened... [dreamy fantasy music plays while the screen goes wavy and the flashback begins]
Michael: Goshdarnit all! It's 7:00 and the webcast hasn't started.
Sam: Don't worry, it'll start. It'll prolly take a minute or two.
Michael: But it's 7:01! Click on the 'Live Wedding' button.
Sam: Are you serious! I'm not like 2 years old. I know how to run my computer.
Voiceover of Sam: Why did I say that? I'm such an asshole. I'm just really tense. Shoot. I hope he doesn't think I'm a jerk.
Michael: Gee whiz! It's 7:04 -- wasn't it supposed to start at 7?
Sam: Stupid internet. Why isn't it starting?
Roommate's voiceover, distant, as if from the other room, because it is coming from the other room: It's starting! It's starting!
[Video starts streaming on Sam's computer]
Sam: Is that Chris's shoulder? [pregnant pause] It IS!
[Man on screen walks woman down aisle]
Sam: Wait a second, this isn't right? That man isn't Chris...
Michael: That's Chris there [he points dramatically at a clear picture of Chris]. That man is Ann's father.
Sam: I don't do faces and I don't do names. Get's me every time.
Michael: Hmf.
[Minister makes comment about how women love gifts and how Chris should buy Ann a diamond every day, at the very minimum]
Voiceover of Sam thinking: Chris must be thinking...
Voiceover of Chris thinking: With all that this wedding is costing me, I can prolly only afford a diamond every OTHER day. Dang. I bet Ann is thinking...
Voiceover of Ann thinking: I heart Chris.
[Candles get lit]
Sam: This webcast is done pretty nicely. With all the different camera shots and everything.
Michael: Yup. Shut up dude, I'm trying to listen.
[Minister repositions bride and groom]
Sam clasps his hands together in overwhelming emotion.
Voiceover of Sam thinking: EEP! This is so exciting! Wait, I'm unshaved and in my dirtiest T-shirt. I should have shaved and worn at least a plain white T-shirt.
Voiceover of Michael thinking: This wedding is so great. I'm so happy for them. They are definitely perfect for each other
Voiceover of Sam thinking in response to Michael thinking: I wholeheartedly agree. It's like that Postal Service song... how does it go? Bum dum dum de dum dum ... [Sam hums] The freckles in their eyes are mirror images and when they kiss they're perfectly aligned.
[Vows exchanged. Kiss commences. Screen goes blank.]
Michael: They're married!
Sam: They're married!
[Sam and Michael exit the bedroom. They see Sam's roommate with tissue pressed to her eyes. She watched it on her computer and she was crying.]
Voiceover of Sam thinking: I'm a terrible friend. Even my roommate is so happy she's crying. I'm happy but I'm not crying. I wonder if Ann is going to take Chris' name.
Sam: I wonder if Ann is going to take Chris' name.
Michael: Well...
[he begins to talk about something he read on Volokh about this as the scene turns wavy again. Flashback ends]
PS. I forgot to say, Ann, if you read this, your dress was awesome. Simply delictable. I hearted it, and believe you me, I don't heart many things.
I urge you all to reject Sam's irresponsible and dishonest revisionism.
Does that mean you didn't like Ann's dress? You're vicious and mendacious.
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